Happy 20th birthday to someone really cute!
Me!
I have to say I love Birthdays
They're a one person ordeal and its a one person special day. But today was by far the worst birthday I've ever had. I stayed up tip 2am hoping i would have people calling or messaging me but as 12 turned into 1:30 and 2, all I had was one post. It made me upset to see your picture with all go your friends being uploaded because I started to get jealous of the great friends that you have while I was struggling to find something to do on my birthday, you had friends planning for you. I'm not gonna lie, I got upset that you found the time to upload that picture at 12 but didn't find time to say Happy Birthday until 12:30.
You did say it was the time chance though so I apologize. That night, I cried myself to sleep. This past semester I've felt as if I've failed in so many ways, me turning 20was a big flash back and I hated that I had no time to be someone people would be proud of. I felt like I failed my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my professors, myself, my God, and My dad.
It will be 4 years on Saturday since he went to live n heaven and it feels like just yesterday. I miss him. My biggest question in my life since then was if I have made him proud. I never truly felt like I have despite what many tell me (even my mom on her birthday card). The only thing worse than feeling like a failure is feeling like a failure and being alone. I cried myself to sleep because i had no one. My blanket was soaked with tears and mascara but the time i awoke and found a few people (and your adorable bunny) on my wall. I started to get excited for the day but it slowly turned into disaster when we were stuck in the house because of the snow.
Momma and I were heading to the mall and movies and she was trying to make it better but she knew all I wanted was a birthday with friends ad my favorite person, you.
Any plans to go to my coffeeshop were replaced with hours of Facebook, blogs an books. Which isnt bad if I wasn't alone wit just my mom. She started off yelling at me for being on Facebook too much than texting too much than calling and talking to the "same person". ( it was actually five different people) and finally she yelled at me because I didn't know I was being too loud on Skype with you. It is official, I don't want to live with her anymore, I will, but I don't want to. she is one of the most selfish people I know. Its my birthday and I should be able to do what I want to (even if it meant crying the majority of the day). I thought I might actually kill her. i don't know how i did it all summer. I need to find friends here. I need to be loved.
But you know what brought up mu spirits? All the people who do love me and especially you. I hop and pray you have an amazing birthday because out of everyone int his weld, you deserve it! I love you... I really do! I know I'll never be able to convoke you but I will never stop trying. To have you taken out of my life would be to tear my heart out as well. You made sure all day that I knew I was loved with over 4 calls and tons of texts thought the day even though I was having an awful day. You made my say so much brighter. Thank you so so so much!
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
12/16/14
One more day and my youth/ teenage years passes on to Neverland.
Man I am way too obsessed with my favorite movie.
To be honest, it is actually actually 12:05 am on 12/17 right now because I fell asleep and I got depressed because no one said Happy Birthday to me yet.
I know that sounds a bit trife, but that is literally the biggest thing i look forward to on my birthday.
Everyone keeps asking if I am excited to be turning 20 and yes I am but I wish i was spending it with my friends and my favorite person in the world (that would be you). it just seems as if its being really spread out and gifts, parties and happy birthdays aren't really happening.
but i like Birthdays.
Anyway, I know the reason I get so upset about my birthday this year is because all i want for my birthday and for Christmas is hug from you.
I know i kind of sound like i want a pit party and that is kind of what it sounds like for the past few days once I realized I will have no one for my birthday. Bu I hate being alone. This is probably one of those times I need to suck it up and make the best out of an awkward/bad situation but I guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow.
Man I am way too obsessed with my favorite movie.
To be honest, it is actually actually 12:05 am on 12/17 right now because I fell asleep and I got depressed because no one said Happy Birthday to me yet.
I know that sounds a bit trife, but that is literally the biggest thing i look forward to on my birthday.
Everyone keeps asking if I am excited to be turning 20 and yes I am but I wish i was spending it with my friends and my favorite person in the world (that would be you). it just seems as if its being really spread out and gifts, parties and happy birthdays aren't really happening.
but i like Birthdays.
Anyway, I know the reason I get so upset about my birthday this year is because all i want for my birthday and for Christmas is hug from you.
I know i kind of sound like i want a pit party and that is kind of what it sounds like for the past few days once I realized I will have no one for my birthday. Bu I hate being alone. This is probably one of those times I need to suck it up and make the best out of an awkward/bad situation but I guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow.
12/15/14
Happy 3 month!
There are two things I love next to you.
1) this giraffe laying on my neck.
2) Finding Neverland.
That movie never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Every time I watch it, I am reminded more and more of why I love it so much. I've always been a philosophical kind of gal and was always fascinated by people such as Aristotle or C.S Lewis. I have to say that Finding Neverland is up there with these philosophical geniuses in my book. I can't help but think that movie was one of the many things to give me hope.
Over the summer when everything was happening between us, it was that movie that made me think so differently of you. The thoughts oh having an imagination and go being a dreamer with a reality check. "they fins a glimmer of happiness in this world and they have to destroy it." Some of these quotes made me love you so unconditionally. "Just? What an awful phrase. Thats like saying he can't climb that mountain, he's just a man; or thats not a diamond, thats just a rock." it was that route that made my heart break whenever you would put yourself down and think nothing of yourself because it is that hope, that lack of a "just" that makes a faith in something worth fighting for.
When you called me this morning after church to say happy 3 month,that was exactly what i needed to hear. The past few days I started to loose that hope and immediately became depressed not being at school and not having the money to go anywhere.
hearing you be so happy on the phone immediately lifted up my spirits and made me want to do things and hear you say you miss me was like a soft his to my heart. Seeing that happiness reminds me all the time of the joy of imagination and hope that Finding Neverland gives me and the internal joy of knowing that I am not of this world.
I have to yet to finish your birthday car so i need to finish it in the morning but i think i know how i want to end it. with a smile and a kiss as a thank you for making me believe in hope again.
There are two things I love next to you.
1) this giraffe laying on my neck.
2) Finding Neverland.
That movie never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Every time I watch it, I am reminded more and more of why I love it so much. I've always been a philosophical kind of gal and was always fascinated by people such as Aristotle or C.S Lewis. I have to say that Finding Neverland is up there with these philosophical geniuses in my book. I can't help but think that movie was one of the many things to give me hope.
Over the summer when everything was happening between us, it was that movie that made me think so differently of you. The thoughts oh having an imagination and go being a dreamer with a reality check. "they fins a glimmer of happiness in this world and they have to destroy it." Some of these quotes made me love you so unconditionally. "Just? What an awful phrase. Thats like saying he can't climb that mountain, he's just a man; or thats not a diamond, thats just a rock." it was that route that made my heart break whenever you would put yourself down and think nothing of yourself because it is that hope, that lack of a "just" that makes a faith in something worth fighting for.
When you called me this morning after church to say happy 3 month,that was exactly what i needed to hear. The past few days I started to loose that hope and immediately became depressed not being at school and not having the money to go anywhere.
hearing you be so happy on the phone immediately lifted up my spirits and made me want to do things and hear you say you miss me was like a soft his to my heart. Seeing that happiness reminds me all the time of the joy of imagination and hope that Finding Neverland gives me and the internal joy of knowing that I am not of this world.
I have to yet to finish your birthday car so i need to finish it in the morning but i think i know how i want to end it. with a smile and a kiss as a thank you for making me believe in hope again.
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