12/17/14

Happy 20th birthday to someone really cute!
Me!
 I have to say I love Birthdays
They're a one person ordeal and its a one person special day. But today was by far the worst birthday I've ever had. I stayed up tip 2am hoping i would have people calling or messaging me but as 12 turned into 1:30 and 2, all I had was one post. It made me upset to see your picture with all go your friends being uploaded because I started to get jealous of the great friends that you have while I was struggling to find something to do on my birthday, you had friends planning for you. I'm not gonna lie, I got upset that you found the time to upload that picture at 12 but didn't find time to say Happy Birthday until 12:30.
You did say it was the time chance though so I apologize. That night, I cried myself to sleep. This past semester I've felt as if I've failed in so many ways, me turning 20was a big flash back and I hated that I had no time to be someone people would be proud of. I felt like I failed my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my professors, myself, my God, and My dad.
It will be 4 years on Saturday since he went to live n heaven and it feels like just yesterday. I miss him. My biggest question in my life since then was if I have made him proud. I never truly felt like I have despite what many tell me (even my mom on her birthday card). The only thing worse than feeling like a failure is feeling like a failure and being alone. I cried myself to sleep because i had no one. My blanket was soaked with tears and mascara but the time i awoke and found a few people (and your adorable bunny) on my wall. I started to get excited for the day but it slowly turned into disaster when we were stuck in the house because of the snow.
Momma and I were heading to the mall and movies and she was trying to make it better but she knew all I wanted was a birthday with friends ad my favorite person, you.
Any plans to go to my coffeeshop were replaced with hours of Facebook, blogs an books. Which isnt bad if I wasn't alone wit just my mom. She started off yelling at me for being on Facebook too much than texting too much than calling and talking to the "same person". ( it was actually five different people) and finally she yelled at me because I didn't know I was being too loud on Skype with you. It is official, I don't want to live with her anymore, I will, but I don't want to. she is one of the most selfish people I know. Its my birthday and I should be able to do what I want to (even if it meant crying the majority of the day). I thought I might actually kill her. i don't know how i did it all summer. I need to find friends here. I need to be loved.
But you know what brought up mu spirits? All the people who do love me and especially you. I hop and pray you have an amazing birthday because out of everyone int his weld, you deserve it! I love you... I really do! I know I'll never be able to convoke you but I will never stop trying. To have you taken out of my life would be to tear my heart out as well. You made sure all day that I knew I was loved with over 4 calls and tons of texts thought the day even though I was having an awful day. You made my say so much brighter. Thank you so so so much!