Happy 20th birthday to someone really cute!
Me!
I have to say I love Birthdays
They're a one person ordeal and its a one person special day. But today was by far the worst birthday I've ever had. I stayed up tip 2am hoping i would have people calling or messaging me but as 12 turned into 1:30 and 2, all I had was one post. It made me upset to see your picture with all go your friends being uploaded because I started to get jealous of the great friends that you have while I was struggling to find something to do on my birthday, you had friends planning for you. I'm not gonna lie, I got upset that you found the time to upload that picture at 12 but didn't find time to say Happy Birthday until 12:30.
You did say it was the time chance though so I apologize. That night, I cried myself to sleep. This past semester I've felt as if I've failed in so many ways, me turning 20was a big flash back and I hated that I had no time to be someone people would be proud of. I felt like I failed my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my professors, myself, my God, and My dad.
It will be 4 years on Saturday since he went to live n heaven and it feels like just yesterday. I miss him. My biggest question in my life since then was if I have made him proud. I never truly felt like I have despite what many tell me (even my mom on her birthday card). The only thing worse than feeling like a failure is feeling like a failure and being alone. I cried myself to sleep because i had no one. My blanket was soaked with tears and mascara but the time i awoke and found a few people (and your adorable bunny) on my wall. I started to get excited for the day but it slowly turned into disaster when we were stuck in the house because of the snow.
Momma and I were heading to the mall and movies and she was trying to make it better but she knew all I wanted was a birthday with friends ad my favorite person, you.
Any plans to go to my coffeeshop were replaced with hours of Facebook, blogs an books. Which isnt bad if I wasn't alone wit just my mom. She started off yelling at me for being on Facebook too much than texting too much than calling and talking to the "same person". ( it was actually five different people) and finally she yelled at me because I didn't know I was being too loud on Skype with you. It is official, I don't want to live with her anymore, I will, but I don't want to. she is one of the most selfish people I know. Its my birthday and I should be able to do what I want to (even if it meant crying the majority of the day). I thought I might actually kill her. i don't know how i did it all summer. I need to find friends here. I need to be loved.
But you know what brought up mu spirits? All the people who do love me and especially you. I hop and pray you have an amazing birthday because out of everyone int his weld, you deserve it! I love you... I really do! I know I'll never be able to convoke you but I will never stop trying. To have you taken out of my life would be to tear my heart out as well. You made sure all day that I knew I was loved with over 4 calls and tons of texts thought the day even though I was having an awful day. You made my say so much brighter. Thank you so so so much!
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
12/16/14
One more day and my youth/ teenage years passes on to Neverland.
Man I am way too obsessed with my favorite movie.
To be honest, it is actually actually 12:05 am on 12/17 right now because I fell asleep and I got depressed because no one said Happy Birthday to me yet.
I know that sounds a bit trife, but that is literally the biggest thing i look forward to on my birthday.
Everyone keeps asking if I am excited to be turning 20 and yes I am but I wish i was spending it with my friends and my favorite person in the world (that would be you). it just seems as if its being really spread out and gifts, parties and happy birthdays aren't really happening.
but i like Birthdays.
Anyway, I know the reason I get so upset about my birthday this year is because all i want for my birthday and for Christmas is hug from you.
I know i kind of sound like i want a pit party and that is kind of what it sounds like for the past few days once I realized I will have no one for my birthday. Bu I hate being alone. This is probably one of those times I need to suck it up and make the best out of an awkward/bad situation but I guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow.
Man I am way too obsessed with my favorite movie.
To be honest, it is actually actually 12:05 am on 12/17 right now because I fell asleep and I got depressed because no one said Happy Birthday to me yet.
I know that sounds a bit trife, but that is literally the biggest thing i look forward to on my birthday.
Everyone keeps asking if I am excited to be turning 20 and yes I am but I wish i was spending it with my friends and my favorite person in the world (that would be you). it just seems as if its being really spread out and gifts, parties and happy birthdays aren't really happening.
but i like Birthdays.
Anyway, I know the reason I get so upset about my birthday this year is because all i want for my birthday and for Christmas is hug from you.
I know i kind of sound like i want a pit party and that is kind of what it sounds like for the past few days once I realized I will have no one for my birthday. Bu I hate being alone. This is probably one of those times I need to suck it up and make the best out of an awkward/bad situation but I guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow.
12/15/14
Happy 3 month!
There are two things I love next to you.
1) this giraffe laying on my neck.
2) Finding Neverland.
That movie never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Every time I watch it, I am reminded more and more of why I love it so much. I've always been a philosophical kind of gal and was always fascinated by people such as Aristotle or C.S Lewis. I have to say that Finding Neverland is up there with these philosophical geniuses in my book. I can't help but think that movie was one of the many things to give me hope.
Over the summer when everything was happening between us, it was that movie that made me think so differently of you. The thoughts oh having an imagination and go being a dreamer with a reality check. "they fins a glimmer of happiness in this world and they have to destroy it." Some of these quotes made me love you so unconditionally. "Just? What an awful phrase. Thats like saying he can't climb that mountain, he's just a man; or thats not a diamond, thats just a rock." it was that route that made my heart break whenever you would put yourself down and think nothing of yourself because it is that hope, that lack of a "just" that makes a faith in something worth fighting for.
When you called me this morning after church to say happy 3 month,that was exactly what i needed to hear. The past few days I started to loose that hope and immediately became depressed not being at school and not having the money to go anywhere.
hearing you be so happy on the phone immediately lifted up my spirits and made me want to do things and hear you say you miss me was like a soft his to my heart. Seeing that happiness reminds me all the time of the joy of imagination and hope that Finding Neverland gives me and the internal joy of knowing that I am not of this world.
I have to yet to finish your birthday car so i need to finish it in the morning but i think i know how i want to end it. with a smile and a kiss as a thank you for making me believe in hope again.
There are two things I love next to you.
1) this giraffe laying on my neck.
2) Finding Neverland.
That movie never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Every time I watch it, I am reminded more and more of why I love it so much. I've always been a philosophical kind of gal and was always fascinated by people such as Aristotle or C.S Lewis. I have to say that Finding Neverland is up there with these philosophical geniuses in my book. I can't help but think that movie was one of the many things to give me hope.
Over the summer when everything was happening between us, it was that movie that made me think so differently of you. The thoughts oh having an imagination and go being a dreamer with a reality check. "they fins a glimmer of happiness in this world and they have to destroy it." Some of these quotes made me love you so unconditionally. "Just? What an awful phrase. Thats like saying he can't climb that mountain, he's just a man; or thats not a diamond, thats just a rock." it was that route that made my heart break whenever you would put yourself down and think nothing of yourself because it is that hope, that lack of a "just" that makes a faith in something worth fighting for.
When you called me this morning after church to say happy 3 month,that was exactly what i needed to hear. The past few days I started to loose that hope and immediately became depressed not being at school and not having the money to go anywhere.
hearing you be so happy on the phone immediately lifted up my spirits and made me want to do things and hear you say you miss me was like a soft his to my heart. Seeing that happiness reminds me all the time of the joy of imagination and hope that Finding Neverland gives me and the internal joy of knowing that I am not of this world.
I have to yet to finish your birthday car so i need to finish it in the morning but i think i know how i want to end it. with a smile and a kiss as a thank you for making me believe in hope again.
Monday, February 17, 2014
12/13/13
Star Wars or Dinosaurs? Which one do you like better? You know thats not that hard a question to answer....but noooo you just have to make your birthday present a huge ordeal lol. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do it but this painting has to be done by tomorrow morning before 12 so that it will get to you before Wednesday. I'm excited for it! I'm sorry and upset that I won't be there to give you a birthday kiss, Christmas kiss and of course New Years kiss! I guess I'll just have to make up for it when we get back.
Its been the first day away from school and I've quickly realized why I hate living at home and immediately wanted to come to Illinois. As much as I completely love my family, its hard to spend more than a week with them all together. This morning I texted you once i got up and was waiting and waiting like a dork for you to text me and at 11 I got a sleepy face text! You're do freaking cute! I also talked to Robert today and Im going to try to put your name in to a guy who edits for the DateLine in NYC.
I talked to you tonight and you made a huge mistake in saying over Facebook messaging. "Don't worry about being clingy. I love you!"
Just wait to see how annoying I'll get now!
Its been the first day away from school and I've quickly realized why I hate living at home and immediately wanted to come to Illinois. As much as I completely love my family, its hard to spend more than a week with them all together. This morning I texted you once i got up and was waiting and waiting like a dork for you to text me and at 11 I got a sleepy face text! You're do freaking cute! I also talked to Robert today and Im going to try to put your name in to a guy who edits for the DateLine in NYC.
I talked to you tonight and you made a huge mistake in saying over Facebook messaging. "Don't worry about being clingy. I love you!"
Just wait to see how annoying I'll get now!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
12/12/13
I just got home a few hours ago. I miss you. I keep thinking I can just call you and see if I can come over. I could. But that would be a long way away.
Its so weird being home. I never realized how much time we spent together until I have a whole month away from you. A little part of me hopes that you will come and surprise me just like Paul surpassed Jae but i know neither one of us have money for that (because its all spent on Starbucks). But i can keep telling myself that so I keep calm. Every one keeps telling me to enjoy the time that I have at home and away from school work. Obviously I'm over exaggerating but it will be hard without you here. I don't really have a lot to do here but I'm hoping we both find time to either Skype or call each other and maybe have a Bible study.
This morning was just the craziest array of emotions that swept over me when you left. My nose started tingling and my face hurt from coldness and tiredness ness ness. I immediately found myself clinging and kissing you and i didn't care who saw. Although i don't know who would be up that early anyway. Your little beanie made me laugh because you looked so freaking cute and tough with you leather jacket on! It was different saying goodbye to you during the Summer because I was just starting getting to know you. This time I've realized I don't really know what its like apart from you; from this amazing person who completely 180 degrees turned my semester into a life- changing one.
On the ride home I felt really bad because it seems as if every sentence I was saying to Danielle started with "Dylan". At one point she started sleeping and I though about our past semester with all the confusion and all the life- changing moments and especially about the little romantic ones that came out of last night on the monogram. And I jut grinned and felt the joy I always get when I see you.
Its crazy to see how much someone can change another. Once I got home I just found myself making similar cheesy and charismatic jokes that you make all the time. I immediately started to act and talk the same compassionate way you talk to me and to people who are working to make your coffee awesome. You've made me a compassionate people person. No matter how upset I was, I found myself smiling despite you not being next to me.
It will be weird in your absence but I'll still see you (via Skype) and hear your voice over the phone and to know you're missing me too :). I know in the long run we will learn form this and grow together in our relationship. But yeah, I'm going to stop being sappy and I guess I'll call you tomorrow :) <3
Its so weird being home. I never realized how much time we spent together until I have a whole month away from you. A little part of me hopes that you will come and surprise me just like Paul surpassed Jae but i know neither one of us have money for that (because its all spent on Starbucks). But i can keep telling myself that so I keep calm. Every one keeps telling me to enjoy the time that I have at home and away from school work. Obviously I'm over exaggerating but it will be hard without you here. I don't really have a lot to do here but I'm hoping we both find time to either Skype or call each other and maybe have a Bible study.
This morning was just the craziest array of emotions that swept over me when you left. My nose started tingling and my face hurt from coldness and tiredness ness ness. I immediately found myself clinging and kissing you and i didn't care who saw. Although i don't know who would be up that early anyway. Your little beanie made me laugh because you looked so freaking cute and tough with you leather jacket on! It was different saying goodbye to you during the Summer because I was just starting getting to know you. This time I've realized I don't really know what its like apart from you; from this amazing person who completely 180 degrees turned my semester into a life- changing one.
On the ride home I felt really bad because it seems as if every sentence I was saying to Danielle started with "Dylan". At one point she started sleeping and I though about our past semester with all the confusion and all the life- changing moments and especially about the little romantic ones that came out of last night on the monogram. And I jut grinned and felt the joy I always get when I see you.
Its crazy to see how much someone can change another. Once I got home I just found myself making similar cheesy and charismatic jokes that you make all the time. I immediately started to act and talk the same compassionate way you talk to me and to people who are working to make your coffee awesome. You've made me a compassionate people person. No matter how upset I was, I found myself smiling despite you not being next to me.
It will be weird in your absence but I'll still see you (via Skype) and hear your voice over the phone and to know you're missing me too :). I know in the long run we will learn form this and grow together in our relationship. But yeah, I'm going to stop being sappy and I guess I'll call you tomorrow :) <3
12/11/13
Its happened again. I've become so attached to a person, to some one I truly love and now I have to have them torn out of my hands.
You've learned from experience today that the day before I leave a place I've been for awhile, I get disgustingly upset.
I am going to miss you. I already do. I'm going to miss seeing you everyday. Im going to miss our subtle inside jokes. The way your body feels against mine when I hug you like a 6 year- old. Or the way you smell when I nuzzle beside your neck. Im going to miss your smile and the way it lights up my day. And the way it feels to slowly run my fingers through your hair and slightly caress your ear. And the way your lips feel soft and your mustache so prickly when you kiss me. I'm going to miss seeing your eyes light up when you say those magic words: "I love you". I am surely going to miss the ay your eyes melt my soul like a cool mint flavor. But most of all, I'm going to miss you (and Mr. Hulk).
It sucks because i never want to leave you. All day today I was a bit upset and down so i apologize. I just love you so much that I NEVER want to lose you.
I love the way you look me in the eyes and be a man, I love the way you don't care what anyone thinks because we are a cute couple! I love you! And I am going to miss you saying "You should stay over here tonight…. I want to marry you" (i really do!).
I want to make sure I stay in contact with you every single day this break. Because it scares me, a lot can happen in a month. But I can't wait to start another year with you by my side, I am so thankful and I love you I wish i could show it sometimes.
I know i am going to miss you because I hate goodbyes, especially the person I think the world go :) Im going to make you so many things over break Ill max out your room.
Anyway, I'll get to bed now, I have to wake up early. Jut a quick side note: When/ if we get marries. ALWAYS kiss me goodnight.
Ps. What i especially loved about today was who you brought me up to the monogram and played "If its the beaches" Our first kiss. In the same place it happened. With the first guy i truly loved. "I am going to miss you"- and thats when the flood gates opened.
You've learned from experience today that the day before I leave a place I've been for awhile, I get disgustingly upset.
I am going to miss you. I already do. I'm going to miss seeing you everyday. Im going to miss our subtle inside jokes. The way your body feels against mine when I hug you like a 6 year- old. Or the way you smell when I nuzzle beside your neck. Im going to miss your smile and the way it lights up my day. And the way it feels to slowly run my fingers through your hair and slightly caress your ear. And the way your lips feel soft and your mustache so prickly when you kiss me. I'm going to miss seeing your eyes light up when you say those magic words: "I love you". I am surely going to miss the ay your eyes melt my soul like a cool mint flavor. But most of all, I'm going to miss you (and Mr. Hulk).
It sucks because i never want to leave you. All day today I was a bit upset and down so i apologize. I just love you so much that I NEVER want to lose you.
I love the way you look me in the eyes and be a man, I love the way you don't care what anyone thinks because we are a cute couple! I love you! And I am going to miss you saying "You should stay over here tonight…. I want to marry you" (i really do!).
I want to make sure I stay in contact with you every single day this break. Because it scares me, a lot can happen in a month. But I can't wait to start another year with you by my side, I am so thankful and I love you I wish i could show it sometimes.
I know i am going to miss you because I hate goodbyes, especially the person I think the world go :) Im going to make you so many things over break Ill max out your room.
Anyway, I'll get to bed now, I have to wake up early. Jut a quick side note: When/ if we get marries. ALWAYS kiss me goodnight.
Ps. What i especially loved about today was who you brought me up to the monogram and played "If its the beaches" Our first kiss. In the same place it happened. With the first guy i truly loved. "I am going to miss you"- and thats when the flood gates opened.
12/10/13
"I will be back with singles." "Make sure you get two!"
"Will you Marry me?" I've never thought about arraign and having my own kids (because they bug you at Starbucks) since I have met you. I'm really sorry ahead of time for all the scribbles, its 1am and Im falling asleep as I write.
I cannot believe that this semester is over with. Don't get me wrong, its fantastic knowing no more studying for an entire month. Coming back in the Spring to see you is all that is keeping me going to dorm 13.
I always like to recap sometimes when the semester ends but instead I'm going to thank you! For an amazing semester filled with wonder, joy, laughter and mostly love.
"I love you so very much and I can't wait to touch you in the Fall." As frustrating as this semester was, you definitely made it my favorite just because of Sept 15, 2013.
I'll Thank you more tomorrow when I'm not dying of exhaustion.
"Will you Marry me?" I've never thought about arraign and having my own kids (because they bug you at Starbucks) since I have met you. I'm really sorry ahead of time for all the scribbles, its 1am and Im falling asleep as I write.
I cannot believe that this semester is over with. Don't get me wrong, its fantastic knowing no more studying for an entire month. Coming back in the Spring to see you is all that is keeping me going to dorm 13.
I always like to recap sometimes when the semester ends but instead I'm going to thank you! For an amazing semester filled with wonder, joy, laughter and mostly love.
"I love you so very much and I can't wait to touch you in the Fall." As frustrating as this semester was, you definitely made it my favorite just because of Sept 15, 2013.
I'll Thank you more tomorrow when I'm not dying of exhaustion.
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